Who we spend the most time with will define who we are. The state of our relationship can help us reach our potential or it can hinder it. With the right person by our side, the problems we face are stepping stones for greatness.
In this article, I’d like to focus on what a successful relationship looks like. What are the pillars of a strong relationship?
I believe that achieving our ideal life is possible. An ideal life that includes a healthy body, a peaceful mind, and people around us to encourage us on the quest to achieve it.
A successful relationship is one of the foundation stones to an ideal life.
Defining a successful relationship and why it is crucial for reaching our potential
In the modern world, we have the great privilege of being able to choose the people we devote our time to. These are the people who will lift our self-esteem, build our confidence, and push us toward independence and ultimately growth.
Knowing this, it’s always surprising what little time we spend thinking about our relationships and the people we spend the majority of our lives with.
In today’s article, we’ll be focusing on our romantic relationships.
Pillars of a successful relationship
A successful relationship consists of the following pillars, which we should nurture daily.
- Good communication
- Setting boundaries
- Making compromises
- Sharing responsibilities
- Trust and
- Encouragement
The problem is, that all of these take time.
And the question is are we willing to put in the time and effort on a leap of faith?
Because this is what any successful relationship is. Nothing in life is certain.
If you agree, this article can help you with achieving a successful relationship.
The stage of our life we are in determines the conditions of a successful relationship
Before going out and finding that perfect person for us we need to know ourselves. And what our priorities are. These priorities change over time.
The things that were important to us when we were twenty differ from when we are thirty, or forty.
When defining our needs and wants we need to look at the stage of life we’re in:
- Are we single,
- Is building our career the most important thing in our lives
- Do we want a family
- Is having a good conversation and companionship what we crave?
These are the stages of life we go through. So choosing a partner is equally if not more important than choosing our profession, applying for a job, deciding where you’re going to live…
I believe we should put the same effort into choosing our life partner.
So let’s dive into what it takes to nurture that successful relationship.
Good communication is the foundation for a successful relationship
Conversation is something most couples struggle with at the beginning of their relationship.
We all come from different backgrounds, upbringings, and methods of communication. They were taught to us by our parents, family, friends, and society. And many of us don’t have a healthy view of communication.
For the relationship to succeed we need to find a mutual language that is best for both.
And this takes time.
What is good communication in a successful relationship?
- Talking through our problems and disagreements in a normal voice, with no yelling or shouting – this takes practice especially if our normal form of communication was like this when growing up
- Initiating conversation when the problem arises and not giving it time to blossom into resentment – not all people see there is a problem. Especially men have this unique capability of ignoring it (intentionally or unintentionally) until it blows out of proportion. Addressing the issue when it arises is crucial. It is your responsibility to voice it. Which brings us to the next one,
- Staying quiet when something is bothering you – this is something women are more likely to do. At least in my case. I simply assumed my partner would pick up on my bad mood and we’d talk about it. It never happened. If we want something resolved it’s up to us to initiate the conversation. Often we realize that we are the only ones viewing the situation as a problem.
- Blaming is not a solution – if it got to this stage I usually left things to go on unsaid for too long. Then all I needed was a little push. A sentence, or a look, and I exploded. There are two of you in a relationship. It’s as much your fault for not speaking up sooner than it is the other person for not noticing.
- Start your conversation when you can think rationally, not when you are emotional. It’s never a good idea to start something when you’re angry, frustrated, sad or disappointed. This will only make the other person defensive and you’ll be going around in circles. Sleeping through it is good advice.
Setting boundaries early in the relationship is the key to success
Setting boundaries is also an important step to do at the beginning of the relationship. To set boundaries you have to know yourself.
By that, I mean what you are prepared to overlook and what is a hard limit. You can’t expect the other person to know what the boundaries are if you don’t know them yourself.
How to get to know yourself is a process on its own, but I found the following extremely helpful;
- Keeping a diary – even when I didn’t know what to write. I sat at an open empty page until my thoughts started filling it.
- Long walks in nature without my phone – helped clear my head especially if I needed to calm down
- Exercise – this is how I got to know my body’s limitations and started improving them. It’s also how I noticed that having time for good exercise was something I wasn’t willing to negotiate on.
- Listening to my inner voice – to dive deeper into this subject you can read this article.
Making compromises is perfected in time
Compromises are the foundation of any successful relationship. There is no room for selfishness and ego. When confronted by opposite sides the only way to thrive is the willingness to make compromises. To reach conclusions that are accepted by both.
We each come from different backgrounds.
We develop different peculiarities and quirks along the way.
What seems interesting in the beginning can be annoying in a year. We’ll be able to handle such things much better if we are capable of adapting.
Compromises come with time.
It’s not a compromise if one in the relationship always backs down and the other gets out the winner. You’ll be able to notice such behavior with time and adjust your conversation accordingly.
Sharing responsibilities is one of the biggest problems couples face in a relationship
This is still one of the hardest to achieve.
The same as with boundaries this should be decided at the beginning of the relationship.
I’ve had some great experiences from both perspectives and can now confidently say that every time it was my fault.
Most people get it wrong at the beginning
Let me explain.
In the beginning of my first relationship when the infatuation was still strong we both did everything for each other. The problem arose when my partner gradually shifted the weight of the household to me.
A year went by and I was doing everything. Cooking, cleaning, doing the dishes, doing laundry, taking out the garbage… Everything.
And it was my fault. I never said anything.
I was happy to take care of the person I loved. And over time resentment started to build. I wasn’t getting the appreciation in return.
When I met my husband I knew differently. It started the same, until one day when I came home from work exhausted, and his shirt was strategically placed on the kitchen table.
A button was missing.
I mended it, ironed it, folded it, and put it on the bed for him to put away.
By nighttime, it was still there.
I lost it. I never said anything until then so no surprise he just stared at me bewildered.
I yelled and accused him of treating me as his servant.
What I should have done
I stormed out of the house and went for a walk.
First to clear my head and second to fume in private.
I didn’t get far before I realized he was right to stare at me. I never complained before. We never spoke about who did what around the house.
When I came back he was sitting at the table, dishes washed, the floor vacuumed, no sign of my cooking.
He understood my ‘subtle hint’ and was willing to talk.
That day we set some ground rules.
We discussed and divided the work. It wasn’t 50/50. I didn’t need that. I just needed to be appreciated.
And it worked.
When kids came along there was never any discussion about him not pitching in. There were no set rules but I never needed to point out what had to be done.
Trust is the foundation the successful relationship should be built upon
Trust was always the reason why I ended relationships in the past. When trust was lost I couldn’t bring myself to give it back.
I’m not talking about cheating.
I’m talking about the small lies that don’t mean anything but when they pile up they sow a seed of mistrust that only gets bigger over time.
If I knew then what I know now I’d talk to them at the first sign of a lie. But I was young and naive. Thinking if I gave them the benefit of the doubt they would appreciate it and not do it again.
Never a good way to deal with it.
These days we talk about everything. And I mean everything. I have complete trust in my husband and so does he. We don’t need to doubt each other.
But this level of trust had good foundations from the beginning. We made mistakes like any other couple but when saying sorry we also made it a point to never do it again.
Sorry is just a word.
But when backed by actions to repair the damage you’ve done, it becomes something meaningful.
Something a successful relationship can be built upon.
This again will be achieved in time. But working on it daily will show you the desired results.
Mutual encouragement in a successful relationship is to lift each other to their full potential
When all of the pillars for a successful relationship above are set, encouragement acts like gasoline to the fire. It propels you to heights you could never achieve on your own.
To have a person believe in you, in your dream, and your vision is something truly spectacular. To have someone by your side who will solve the problems with you and not say: ‘I told you so.’ when you fail.
A person you can rely on, to have your back. To say, ‘Try it, I know you can do it, I believe in you’ is the biggest motivation you can have to achieve it.
But this like everything else needs to blossom from a seed that has been planted and nourished through the years.
These are some of the traits that a successful relationship can have. I’m sure there are many more.
I’m sure that most of us went through a relationship that was bad for us.
A bad relationship can be anything that is not making us thrive.
Can an unsupportive relationship hold us back from achieving greatness?
I’ll give you two scenarios. See which one you can relate to:
You both go to work. You both come home exhausted.
But…
One crashes on the couch turns on the TV, and asks what’s for dinner. The other cooks dinner cleans the dishes, gets a load of washing done, and then sits down in the evening to work on their side hustle. When they finally close the computer they slip into their most comfortable pajamas that hide the additional weight they gained over the months neglecting their exercise, and fall on the bed exhausted, wondering where the day went.
The scenario is a reality for many couples.
Now picture the same two people who had a series of conversations over the time of their relationship.
You both go to work. You both come home exhausted
But…
One empties the dishwasher while the other one cooks dinner. When one sets the table, the other does a load of washing. After dinner, one puts the freshly washed load into the drier while the other does the dishes. One sits behind the computer to do their side hustle but the other pulls them behind. They’re going on a half-hour walk. They both need the exercise and use the opportunity to talk about their day.
When they come back one does the side hustle which they do with enthusiasm and a grin on their face since the other told them, they’ll wait up for them.
Which scenario would you bet on to give you the drive and energy to pursue your dreams?
Which one do you have at home?
What will you do about it? Because remember. You always have a choice. Always.
The answer to the question would be, yes. Having a supportive relationship is important.
Now, do your homework. Do an overview of your relationship. What can you improve? What can you talk about?
Remember, it won’t be easy. But it will be worth it.
Until next time, practice conversation.
Ann
