The art of communication is what a good relationship is built upon. Conversation. Neglecting it can be a crack in the relationship’s foundations. The importance of mastering conversation in the early stages of the relationship will ensure smooth sailing down the road.
In the previous article, we discussed the 5 pillars of a successful relationship, and the first and most important pillar is conversation. In this article we’ll dive into the characteristics of a good conversation and why it is so important in the relationship.
3 the most common mistakes we make in communication in our relationships.
There are many more we could name but the most common are:
- not speaking up
- ignoring the problem
- resolving things when you are emotional
For a better grasp of the topic, here is my failed attempt at communication from my early years:
When I met my husband we already had much of the same acquaintances. But as our relationship progressed, new people started appearing from my side as well as his.
When we’d meet one of my friends, I’d introduce my then-boyfriend, and tell a little bit about him to my friend, so the conversation ran more smoothly.
The problem was, he never did this himself when we met his friends.
They would talk and laugh for several minutes and I felt like the third wheel. He never even glanced at me. When the conversation ended we walked away, me feeling insignificant and small.
Ignoring the problem
I told myself this was an old friend from school and he was so surprised to meet him that he forgot to include me. But I was wrong.
He did this to me every time we met somebody new.
This dragged on for several months. We didn’t encounter a lot of new people every day, so I let it slide.
Then we met his high school friend when we were vacationing at a seaside resort. The friend also had a girlfriend with him and none of them even looked at us. We just stood there, looking anywhere but at each other. Awkward.
I couldn’t ignore his behavior any longer.
As soon as they left I explode
Resolving things when you’re emotional
I accused him of all sorts of horrible things: I wasn’t good enough for him, he was ashamed of me, I was beneath him, and the list went on and on. The drive back was spent in total silence and me brooding.
When I finally calmed down we sat down to talk about it.
We went into a cafe. It probably seemed like a good idea since it would stop me from exploding again.
My former calmness disappeared when I saw him holding his phone in the palm of his hand the entire time of our conversation.
I ignored it but with difficulty.
It was pure luck on his part that it didn’t ping once, or else no amount of people would stop me from exploding again.
I set expectations for myself a long time before I met him that I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t value me.
His behavior indicated this more and more. I made up the scenario in my mind that went something like this:
He didn’t introduce me to his friends,
I wasn’t important enough to put his phone away,
What else will I find out about him?
Safe to say we didn’t resolve anything in that cafe.
What happens when we use the strategies of communication in the conversation
We came home from the holiday a few days later and I decided to initiate the subject again, given I had some time to think things through.
We sat on the sofa in our living room. I took the phone from his hands and put it on the kitchen counter. Far away from us.
I took in a deep breath and told him how I felt.
When I got everything out I felt lighter, no matter what his reaction would be.
It turned out he was never put into a situation where he had to introduce anyone. All of his friends just spoke with each other even if they didn’t know each other. No fuss.
Was he for real?
‘What about manners?’ I asked him bewildered, ‘Have you heard of those?’
‘I forgot…’ he smiled sheepishly.
All of this frustration, for months, just because he forgot.
It was a lesson I had to learn. And this time I did.
The next time we met one of his friends, and he started talking, I gave him a minute to remember I was there. If he didn’t I cut in, extended my hand, and introduced myself.
He was red as a tomato, but also thankful I didn’t take his behavior to heart.
It was the most empowering sensation I could have.
7 communication strategies for mastering your conversation
We have to understand that we all grew up in different environments and have different dispositions.
We may see it as a problem but the other person won’t even notice it. If you want to have a healthy and successful relationship you have to talk about what’s bothering you. Preferably the minute you notice the tension building. Or, wait until you calm down, but don’t wait too long. Acting quickly will bring you relief if nothing else.
My advice would be: Rip off the bandage.
To help you further here are some strategies for how you can improve your communication skills.
These can be used not only in your romantic relationship but in other areas as well.
Be present
When you speak to your partner, be there. Look into their eyes, and understand what they are saying.
The worst thing you can do when you have a conversation is:
- go over your to-do list in your mind,
- avoid eye contact,
- get distracted by other people, or
- look at your phone.
When you have a conversation your phone should not be there. Put it away, not just face down on the table.
Away.
This is how you let the other person know you care about what they have to say.
This is how you let them feel like they are important, and that what they have to say matters.
Put yourself in other people’s shoes
Much too often we only see one side of the story.
Our side.
But as we all know there are two sides to every coin. If the conversation is about resolving a situation try to distance away from your emotions.
This of course is easier said than done.
But remember my story from before?
The other person sees things in a different way than you. Their view of the situation was molded by years of:
- solving their problems their way,
- ideals,
- upbringing,
- convictions,
- society,
- values, and
- experiences
All those contribute to how they view the world, and how they communicate.
If you listen to them with an open mind you won’t have a hard time seeing where they come from.
Don’t interrupt
It is very difficult not to interrupt when the other is speaking but this is what you’ll have to learn if you want to hone your communication skills.
Practicing when you have a calm conversation is a good idea.
You’ll build a strong foundation for when your conversations are emotional.
You know the ones where both of you want to convince the other that you are right.
Staying quiet when the other one is talking is hard, especially when thoughts, suggestions, and blame are flying around in your head.
But like everything, it gets easier with practice.
How you can practice staying quiet:
- immerse yourself in what the other person is saying
- if you have comments, make a mental note or ask the other person if you can take notes while they are talking
- putting yourself into the other person’s shoes helps
- my personal favorite; I pinched myself every time I had the urge to interrupt.
When you do this with several conversations it will feel more natural for you to wait until the other person finishes.
However, inform the other person in the conversation you were quiet when they spoke, so let them give you the same courtesy.
Be vulnerable
‘I feel left out,’ or ‘I don’t feel appreciated’ are good examples of how to start a conversation if emotions are heated. Use this when you’re boiling inside and the only thing you are thinking about is blaming or yelling at the other person.
Using those words will make you vulnerable. This is hard for most of us, but if we want genuine conversation it is inevitable.
Showing you are vulnerable shows the other person you care. And despite what you may think it doesn’t give them the power over you. It’s the opposite. There are exceptions to every rule but in general, this is true.
If you started the conversation in an emotional state, see if you can stop for a few moments and take a breath. This will clear your mind. After you can explain your situation rather than blame the other person.
This will turn your conversation into a sympathetic one rather than an offensive one.
Be grateful
This one is huge.
Let me give you a quick example.
I like doing the laundry. But when time was scarce with the newborn I couldn’t keep on top of it. So one day when I came home from a walk to help the little one sleep the whole pile of clothes was folded on the table. My husband just started putting it away.
I cringed when the clothes weren’t folded as I’d like. However, this was my problem.
He came home from work and instead of lounging on the couch, he saw what needed to be done and he did it.
My point.
Tell them how great they are. How good they are doing. And how much you appreciate their help.
We all like to be appreciated.
Do it as often as you can.
Do it for the little things.
Once they see you’ve noticed it, the probability of doing it again will increase.
Keep calm and drink your tea
Or some such thing…
All joking aside, this is equally important as all the rest.
Controlling your temper in an argument will be much more productive than blowing up.
This is why solving your disagreements when things calm down is so crucial. Yelling and screaming never solved a disagreement.
Listen to what they are saying, don’t interrupt, and let them know your thoughts when it’s your turn.
Again it’s very difficult to do it when you are emotional, so postpone the conversation for a time when you calm down. If you want the situation resolved this is the procedure to do.
If you just want to vent, then go for it.
Setting boundaries is crucial at the beginning of the conversation
This can be done internally
When you decide the conversation will go on smoothly without yelling or blaming, you set an example.
If things heat up you know what line you won’t cross.
However, remind the person you are speaking with that they crossed it if it happens. But do it calmly.
If it doesn’t help, stop the conversation.
The other person is not capable of conversing yet. Let things calm down a bit before you continue.
How the 7 strategies of communication look in practice
Getting back to my story. What could both of us do differently to prevent my outburst?
- I should have spoken up the minute I felt neglected. If we talked about it after he walked away from the conversation with his first friend he neglected to introduce, the whole scenario down the line would never take place.
- The ideal situation for our heated conversation would be our hotel room where nobody would bother us with the phones in the car.
- If I paid any attention to the way he was conversing with his friends I would be able to notice he was excited to see him, to talk about their school adventures, and that he forgot I was there. But my emotions flared, the history of me being treated like this before boiled up to and the result was my explosion.
- He should have set the boundaries of our conversation since I wasn’t capable of it at the time. He should have told me that yelling wasn’t acceptable. I would probably erupt like a volcano when he did, given the state I was in, but the ground would be set for our next conversation. I would be careful to not step over the line in the future.
- I should have waited to discuss my view on the matter until I calmed down. This is something I still struggle with sometimes, especially when it comes to parenting, but looking back at Ann in that cafe the progress I made is unimaginable.
What can you do today to improve your communication skills?
I’m certain you have conversations that went wrong in the past.
That’s a good thing. Now you have a baseline from where you need to grow.
Practice these strategies in each conversation. Whether it’s with your significant other, your children, friends, coworkers, or even strangers.
Strangers are the easiest, since they don’t know you and will see you as somebody easy to talk to.
Mastering the skill of conversation will propel you above all others who still struggle to separate their emotions from the conversation.
I hope this article gives you the motivation to improve your conversation skills and moves that needle a fraction toward your ideal life.
Until next time, keep talking,
Ann
